Tips to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

So you’ve managed to survive the initial surge of undead into the world, but now you have to get your hands dirty. You’ve discovered that there is no going back to the world you once knew and you must accept this war. Good job, accepting that the zombies are real is half the battle (curse those bath salts). Now let’s get cooking!

Step 1: Find a Weapon

You probably won’t be able to find any guns right away. These will come later when you meet up with other survivors and start raiding the stores around you. Right now you just need something to fight back the undead. Ideally you would want something like a baseball bat or fire poker. You want to focus on long reaching melee weapons so that the zombies can’t bite and infect you (sorry knives, you’re just too short). If you’re in a pinch, a number of household items can be used as weapons; a toilet brush, plunger, broom and coat rack are all surprisingly effective when shoved in a zombie’s face.

Be sure to keep a keen eye out as you begin your journey because better weapons can often be found discarded in the street. (Just because someone else didn't know how to use them, doesn't mean you won't.)

Step 2: Get to a Store

While a shopping mall is ideal, any store will do. You want to gather supplies for your journey to the human stronghold (if a human stronghold has not yet been erected, just wander around for a while and one will spring up in a few days). When you get to the store you want to gather non-perishables, things like canned foods and protein bars; they keep you going. The cigarettes and rub on tattoos are purely cosmetic; you don't want anyone to think you're a wimp; wimps get eaten. Alcohol and twinkies should also be stock piled as they dull the nerves to the horrors around you. Also note that alcohol can make effective bombs later on, but twinkies cannot. High cholesterol isn't as dangerous to zombies as it is to humans.

Please note that while you’re in the store you will want to avoid any storage closets or back rooms (and the meat aisle). Zombies love to hang out in these areas to surprise would-be survivors trying to stock up.

Step 3: Find other Survivors.

Now that you have a weapon and you are stocked up on supplies, it’s time to find some other survivors. Traveling in numbers not only makes you stronger, but it provides a cast of annoying people that can get eaten by the zombies while you and the other likeable people get away.

When looking for survivors try to get a good variety of people. A grizzled war veteran is best, but ex-cops and gun nuts will do as well. Be sure to get some screamers too, you want high pitch voices to alert you when there is danger. And, of course, as I mentioned above, you’ll want a wide variety of D-bags to sacrifice as zombie food.

Step 4: Build a Fort.

The human stronghold hasn’t shown up yet so you’re going to have to build your own fort to hide in until you get the report of a miracle cure on the radio. You will want to avoid places with a lot of windows, but a few windows is okay so you can keep tabs on where the zombies are. Again a mall is ideal, but some malls are really far away. A bar is an alternative as is the roof of any convenience store. Just make sure that by the time you get to the high ground, you have a ranged weapon of some kind. (This would be a good time to raid the local gun store). While you wait, you can exchange your life story with your new companions. This is a good practice as it will often reveal a zombie in your midst. Survivors often grow attachments to their family and friends, so it makes it extra hard to leave behind someone who has been bitten. Use this time to root out the sleeper zombies before they take out your whole team.

Step 5: Mad Dash to the Cure

It’s about time the military showed up. Now you just need to get from your fort to the stronghold then everything will be peaches and roses. The only problem: about a thousand zombies between you and your destination. This is the time where you don’t want to be squeamish. You’re going to need some serious firepower to make this final journey. A bus covered in barbed wire or chainsaws is nice, but this is the real world; you’re probably going to have to settle for a minivan with sharpened chairs attached. It’s important to keep all your hands and legs inside the vehicle at all times otherwise you’ll probably lose them. This vehicle makes no stops and will probably run out of gas a few hundred yards from safety.

The D-bags can satisfy the zombies for a while but there aren’t enough to cross the final distance. If you have any super-human abilities, now would be the time to tap into them. If not, a surge of adrenaline will do. This is the end of the world and you’re almost to safety, GET MAD!

If you managed to ram your way through the zombie hordes and reach safety, congratulations, you’ve survived the zombie apocalypse! Pat yourself on the back and mourn the loss of all the D-bags. It will be smooth sailing while the military cleans up the zombie hordes, though it would be a good idea to brush up on your hand to hand combat. When the zombies learn coordination and start using weapons (and trust me, they will) you’ll want to be prepared to survive the Zombie Revolution.

How to Survive the Zombie Revolution: Unavailable

(Please Note: This article is completely fictitious and I do not advocate the collection of weapons, alcohol or cigarettes. Do not try any of this at home. Should an actual zombie apocalypse arise, please consult a professional.)