A Field Guide to Vampires

During my recent research, where I survived the zombie apocalypse, I learned that there were greater threats to our world. As if it wasn't bad enough that I had battled the flesh eaters, now I had to catalog the blood suckers. However, as I traversed the supernatural corners of this world, I realized that there are far too many different types of vampires to focus on any one in particular, so I’ve created this handy reference guide for when you find yourself facing down these immortals.

Please note that this guide is not comprehensive; I’ve focused primarily on vampires I am familiar with. Should I discover more, I will add them at the bottom, but feel free to contribute vampire classes in the comments section below.

Each species of vampire is categorized into the following dangerousness levels:
* (Mostly Harmless)
** (Avoid if possible)
*** (Do not engage)
**** (You’re screwed)

Anne Rice Vampires
As seen in: The Vampire Chronicles
Most defining trait: Openly homoerotic
Dangerousness Level: *** (Do not engage)
Description: You may have heard the musical styles of Lestat, the rock star from a few years back. Don’t trust him! He’s an Anne Rice vampire. These vampires love the arts and form strong bonds over their eternal life. Their queen may have been defeated, but they continue on, many with very little regard for the humans they feed on.
How to Kill it: Crucifixes and holy water aren’t going to do you much good here. The sun is your best weapon, but disembowelment is a good fallback. If you can’t manage either; get some fire, lots and lots of fire.

Underworld Vampires
As seen in: Underworld Trilogy
Most defining trait: Tight latex pants
Dangerousness Level: ** (Avoid if possible)
Description: These vampires look quite attractive and they fight off Lycans too! Be careful though, their leaders are keeping a lot of secrets; including how the Vampire/Lycan war really started. While they aren’t killing humans as much as other types of vampires, you’d still be better off just getting out of their way. You are more likely to get hit with a stray bullet than you are fangs.
How to Kill it: Ultraviolet bullets are your best friend. What’s that you say, you don’t have ultraviolet bullets? Well, I guess you can slice through their head with a katana sword, because I know you have one of those lying around.

Stephanie Meyer Vampires
As seen in: The Twilight Saga
Most defining trait: Sparkly skin
Dangerousness Level: * (Mostly harmless)
Description: Firstly, these vampires don’t have fangs, and secondly a number of them are ‘vegetarians’ meaning they only drink animal blood. You’re more at risk of having one fall in love with you than you are being harmed by one. Having said that, they have extremely wooden personalities and will often laugh at everything you say as if to suggest you are a child and your opinions don’t matter. They feel like marble (that’s the only description I could find) and use an over-abundance of hair gel.
How to Kill it: Apparently the sun doesn’t work on these guys and you would be at a disadvantage if you tried because their sparkly skin would blind you. Your best bet here is total disembowelment; leave no appendage attached. Then burn the remains. You want to be absolutely sure these ones don’t multiply.

Joss Whedon Vampires
As seen in: Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel
Most defining trait: Bumpy forehead
Dangerousness Level: *** (Do not engage)
Description: While these vampires have a sense of humor, make no mistake that they are soulless monsters of the night. Yes, there is a chosen slayer who keeps them in check, but she can’t be everywhere at once. They are mostly harmless (even heroic) if they have a soul, but don’t count on that happening as it is a rare occurrence.
How to Kill it: You have got to love these guys; there are so many ways to kill them. There is decapitation, wooden stake to the heart, sunlight, fire, crucifixes, and holy water, just off the top of my head. Keep on your toes, however, because unless you’re a slayer or another creature of the night, these guys don’t go down without a fight.

Bram Stoker Vampires
As seen in: Dracula
Most defining trait: Widows peak
Dangerousness Level: *** (Do not engage)
Description: These vampires are notoriously seductive and are so well versed at hypnosis that you could become one of them before you realize what is happening. Lock up your pure maidens and keep an eye out for wolves and bats (yeah they can shape-shift too).
How to Kill it: While the traditional things will weaken this vampire; sunlight, holy water, and crucifixes, the best way to ensure it doesn’t rise again is decapitation. Drag them out of their earthen sleeping places and finish the job quickly.

Nosferatu Vampires
As seen in: Nosferatu and Shadow of the Vampire
Most defining trait: Big head
Dangerousness Level: *** (Do not engage)
Description: Eerily similar to Bram Stoker vampires, these guys are much creepier looking. They kill the victims they feed on and rarely make more vampires. With very little regard for human life, they should be avoided entirely.
How to Kill it: Your best bet here is to lure them into the sun. Unfortunately that may require the use of bait (i.e. a pure maiden). Nosferatu tends to get distracted when feeding and doesn’t even realize when the sun is coming up. If you don’t have a pure maiden to use as bait try a wig and a school girl uniform.

Charlaine Harris Vampires
As seen in: Sookie Stackhouse Novels and True Blood
Most defining trait: Switchblade fangs
Dangerousness Level: *** (Do not engage)
Description: Like with the Stephanie Meyer vampires, these Vampires have an unusual fixation on a single human woman. She’s really not even that interesting, so I don’t understand the appeal. But in any case, these guys have the option of drinking synthetic blood to sustain themselves. While it is a nice alternative to human killing, it has brought them out into the open and created a civil issue of how they should be integrated into our society. If you see someone in a bar order True Blood, don’t draw attention to it. And if the Fellowship of the Sun tries to recruit you, politely decline.
How to Kill it: Whether you use silver, a stake, fire or the sun, be prepared for a lengthy cleanup. These guys don’t blow away in the wind; you’re going to have a real mess on your hands.

Muppet Vampires
As seen in: Sesame Street
Most defining trait: Loves to count
Dangerousness Level: * (Mostly harmless)
Description: This vampire is only mildly creepy to some young children. As far as I know, they haven’t harmed anyone and remain largely solitary in their castles; counting out things on the walls.
How to Kill it: I don’t know why you would want to kill a vampire as friendly as this one, but if you absolutely must, then your best bet is to ask him to tell you the exact value of pi. If his head doesn’t explode from the infinitely ongoing number, then he will at least be distracted long enough for you to make a getaway.

30 Days of Night Vampire
As seen in: 30 Days of Night
Most defining trait: Speaks ancient dead language
Dangerousness Level: **** (You’re screwed)
Description: They don’t make an appearance very often, but when they do, you can be sure they know what they’re doing. If you live in Alaska it’s best to just take a vacation during the longest nights of the year. There is no hope of communicating with these vampires and even if you could; they would still probably kill you.
How to Kill it: These guys are cunning so they wont attack when sunlight is anywhere nearby. If you can blow up one of their heads, then do that, but otherwise stick with ultraviolet lamps.

Blade Vampire
As seen in: Blade Trilogy
Most defining trait: Hatred of Blade
Dangerousness Level: *** (Do not engage)
Description: There are actually two different kinds of vampires in this category. One is the more traditional lot that looks fashionable and engages in councils, the other is much more primal and vicious. With either one you’re in for a fight and you can’t count on the day-walker to always bail you out.
How to Kill it: Sunlight won’t do you much good here, these guys can slap on some sunblock and walk around just fine during the day. If you find yourself up against one of the newer mutated models, a stake or silver through the heart is going to be a big problem. Practice precision and hope for the best.

Ultraviolet Vampire
As seen in: Ultraviolet
Most defining trait: Not actually a vampire
Dangerousness Level: ** (Avoid if possible)
Description: As far as I can tell, these were a number of humans that contracted a specific kind of disease known as Hemophagia, which makes them stronger and faster but also includes a sensitivity to sunlight. Those who were infected were then jokingly called vampires and it stuck.
How to Kill it: They might put up a fight, but they can be killed the same way you kill non-vampires.

Dusk Till Dawn Vampire
As seen in: From Dusk Till Dawn Trilogy
Most defining trait: Ugly as sin
Dangerousness Level: *** (Do not engage)
Description: If you’re ever in the middle of a desert and you stumble upon a questionable strip club, you should probably just turn around and head in the opposite direction. It doesn’t matter how tough you think you are; no one is safe.
How to Kill it: Holy water, crosses, and decapitation. Don’t waste any time being fancy, get to the killing before they get to you.

Supernatural Vampires
As seen in: Supernatural
Most defining trait: Second set of retractable fangs
Dangerousness Level: ** (Avoid if possible)
Description: As far as I can tell, these vampire are trying to avoid human detection. Either they take only a few humans, or use animals to stay alive. Hopefully you run into the latter, but if not, you might be able to locate a hunter who will help you.
How to Kill it: If you’ve got a special colt pistol that can kill anything, it will work just fine, but for the rest of us, soaking a weapon in dead man’s blood will seriously harm a supernatural vampire. Disembowelment also works.

This field guide is open ended and is subject to change as more vampire information becomes available.

(Please Note: This article is completely fictitious and I do not advocate disembowelment or the use of silver, holy water or crucifixes as weapons. Do not try any of this at home. Should an actual vampire confront you, please consult a professional.)